my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
