he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Randomize