this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
its liver damage thursday
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
