I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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