I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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