I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
