she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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