Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
you inspire me to be a worse person
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
