In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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