Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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