Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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