Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
