I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
