God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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