We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
