I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
