I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize