if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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