Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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