i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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