Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
