I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
