she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
