just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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