the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
