You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
