Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize