Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are the jesus of drinking
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
