if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
