I am midnight drunk by noon
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
