mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
