he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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