i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
