Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
