I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
