Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
