Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
