Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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