we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
