she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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