My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
