I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
