I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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