when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
