when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
