Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
