I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
