How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
