Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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