My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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