respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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