Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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