You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
