Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she looked like the before picture.
this boner is exhausting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
