I hate your face
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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