I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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