She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
