Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
