A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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