He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
