I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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